Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Thursday Thought.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”