I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
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Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
plant them where lol
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”