The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
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The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics