I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
You Might Also Like
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.