I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
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Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH