[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
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[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
When does CPR become necrophilia?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
asking santa clause for nudes
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.