I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets