Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
how it started vs how it ended
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
channeling her this year
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something