Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok