I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
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I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.