Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.