Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.