Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
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Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.