A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there