Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
You Might Also Like
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Happy Caturday!
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
the three branches of government
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.