I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
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Alexa: *deep breath*
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going