Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I was up all night reading about insomnia
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
*puts words between two asterisks*
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”