My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
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Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!