My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
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8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.