Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
i hate you platonically
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.