Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
You Might Also Like
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.