*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
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ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.