Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.