kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
There are no pants in heaven.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
We cut our bangs at dawn.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.