Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
You Might Also Like
Can Happiness buy money?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.