[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
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Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute