Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
those birds must be on payroll
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Beauty and the Beast