I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.