Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Breaking news:
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.