Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.