[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”