Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.