*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”