When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE