Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area