KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?