ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.