Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood