Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
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Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds