GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
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Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.