[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
*3.5 thank you very much.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.