Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
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Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information