I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it