If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
SCARY COSTUME
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me too 😆
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM