Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.