How I’d get arrested…
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*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder