MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.