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Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
These aliens are taking forever.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Encore…
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.