Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I feel this so hard
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs