The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
You Might Also Like
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My dog ate my work from home.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Nomnomnomnom
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.